Maury, listen, man, I got a kid.
I gotta write some business.
It's not my fault. You're talking after the close, Dave,
- You panicked. - You quit.
You quit on half a dozen sits where there's a deal sitting there.
- Bullshit. Who? - Long list:
Crocker, Sergeant Saigon with the shrapnel in his head.
The man was a writeable deal.
Davey, Jesus, what's with you this morning? You gotta relax.
You should let me stimulate your third eye point.
It'll energize you.
Put that away, all right? I'm not your guinea pig.
You need to get your license before we discuss you sticking pins in me.
Needles.
Still need a license.
How do I look?
- Good. - God, I miss her.
Just... just keep your mind on the day. That's all.
What? Aw, come on.
Hurry!
Dolly. Dolly, it's Daddy.
Daddy.
Shh.
Let's go. We're late.
I love you.
- Me too. - "Me too," what?
I love you. What do you think?
Honk! Do you know what "honk" means?
Korean couple.
- What? - She was a nurse. There you gave up.
- It's like you don't give a shit. - I give plenty of shit.
I don't get my tuition paid by Monday,
- I gotta sit out the whole semester. - Says who?
The acupuncture university.
University. It's a school.
What the hell you think a university is?
To me, it suggests a big campus,
sororities, high jinks, trees... that sort of thing.
- Yeah. - Your university is on Reseda,
in-between the TJ Maxx and a Costco.
- Yeah, where's your university, huh? - I don't need one, man.
It's all in here.
I can't take this shit anymore.
- Hey, let it play. - This isn't working.
Don't take it personally, man, but I gotta make a living.
You want to go it alone?
You can't do shit without these. Here, take 'em.
No, I don't need your bullshit leads. Keep your fucking leads.
- Keep the book too, I don't need that. - Fine.
All I need is a credit app and a contract.
- Beautiful. - I learned this business door-to-door,
my friend. Cold canvassing. All I need is my shoes
and my mouth. Could you pull over?
- Just drop me off right here. - Good, fine.
What are you doing?
- This is here. - Here means the corner.
You ever drop off a human being on Earth?
- Okay, great. - No, here's fine. Here's fine, okay?
I'm gonna write some business.
- Where you gonna go? - It's a big world.
Yeah, don't eat it.
- Asshole. You! - Asshole!
Hi, I'm Dave Langer with Valley Food Service.
I don't know if any of your neighbors told you about us,
but we're in the area, and what I'm trying to do
is give away 10 free chickens
with the price of just one of our meat plans.
Sir, the one monthly amount includes everything. Okay, no chicken for you.
Mr. Simmons, hi.
Maurice Burns, I'm from Valley Food Service.
Oh, yeah yeah, come on in. Come on in.
- Where do you live? - I don't really feel that...
Sherman Oaks, but I don't think that has anything to do with anything.
Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna come to your house...
knock knock knock. You wanna buy some of my crap?
You wanna buy some of my shit?
That's okay, sir. I'm sorry for wasting your time. I apologize.
Have a good day, sir. Go fuck yourself.
Why don't you cut your grass?
I'll bet you hate to shop, Mr. Simmons.
Oh, I sure do.
Well, now you won't have to.
Oh, Madden. See, that's the best NFL coach ever,
right there. He's good in the booth,
but... seven AFC Western Division titles. That's the man.
What are you talking about?
Madden, that's... how do you know him?
That's my mom.
Uh-huh.
Hi. Can you recognize my "Hi"?
Is this Maurice?
Yes yes, this is still Maurice.
So what's my favorite redhead doing tonight?
I don't know, Maurice. I've never had red hair.
This is Carol?
This is Carolyn, and all my hairs are brown, if you remember.
Oh yes, hi. Jeez, yeah. No, I remember.
Yeah, we went to the movie, right?
We watched it at your place. How are you?
Do you really care? Or we could just hang up the phone right now.
- If that's what you'd like. - I would, yes.
Then let's do that.
Hi, darling, how are you?
Dad, did you forget my birthday?
Of course not. Did you think I would?
- I didn't know. - I never would.
You know what I want?
I think I do. You want to tell me again?
- A swing and a slide. - A swing and a slide.
Yep. Here's Mommy.
Don't disappoint her, Dave.
It's not good of her to think of you as a loser.
She doesn't think that.
She needs you to be solid. Do you have any solid left?
Renee, I'm doing my best.
If you can, just get her something nice.
That would be our top of the line model.
It's 150 bucks.
Wood really necessary in a swinging device?
It's superior for the child.
This particular model is priced way down.
It's the last one we have left.
Yeah, this is probably the last time you'll
be able to get it at this low price.
You kidding me, man?
- Excuse me? - Trying to pull that shit on me?
- I'm sorry, sir? - That's your impending event?
- My impending event? - Your impending event, Glenn.
Make it big, man.
Grab an issue. Talk about deforestation.
Trees are being chopped down all over the world.
You're not gonna find wood of this caliber
on kids' recreational equipment.
Hey.
How'd you do?
I got nothing.
Yeah, nothing.
I'm sorry about before.
Nah, forget it. Water, bridge, under.
Under.
Hey hey, look.
Look at that.
Yeah, cute. Take it easy.
She's too happy for you.
- How is everything? - I have two iced teas now.
You must be thirsty.
Kristy, do you see what I do so we can spend some time alone together?
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
It's been so hard being apart like this.
I think we need to see each other more.
- That's what I think. - I think you're nuts.
So you wanna help me steal a swing set?
Not before we try these.
All right, so it's all there in the application.
You're gonna get a free delivery, you're gonna get a free freezer
and you're gonna get 10 free filets.
Take it.
I don't understand why we need all this meat.
I'm sorry. We went over this. Andy likes filets.
You like the rib eye.
This whole order is customized for the Wilson family.
Sally's been on this health kick lately.
- It's not a kick. - Program, honey.
She's been eating healthy, and she wants to keep it up.
Eating healthy means eating meat in the middle.
You make meat the hub. Let your other foods fill in around it.
We were made to eat meat originally by God.
Our inner system works better when it we give it what it was meant to have.
Don't you think it's healthy to have what God meant for you to have?
I guess so.
I guess so too.
Take it for Sally's health.
Honey...
- Okay, great, good.
We'll be back with the freezer first thing in the morning.
- I think we turned it around yesterday. - I think we did.
- Victory smells good. - Tastes good.
- Mr. Wilson? - Oh, no, I'm sorry.
You can't bring that in here. And please move your truck.
What? No, we're not taking delivery of this.
No no, you taste victory. You smell success.
- Shit! Fuck! Come on! - No no!
We should have stayed for tea when she asked us.
- No fucking way! - Hold it.
Yeah yeah, no, we're okay. Just wait right there.
We're gonna be okay.
Andy, Sally, you're gonna love it. It's a beaut.
- We changed our mind. - No no no, it's okay.
Andy and Sally, we see this all the time.
Absolutely, you know, it's-it's-it's common to feel a little overwhelmed
- on a new purchase. - Sure sure.
Change is good! You know that.
Knock back if you think change is good.
Come on, Andy, Sally. We had an agreement!
You go through leads like water.
I think it's time to give it a break. You boys need a rest.
What are you, a psychiatrist?
You could use some time in Ensenada, Langer.
Both of you probably, apart.
- Now you're our social director? - No, it means we're fired.
Is that the expression, "Go to Ensenada"?
It's a slump, Dick, okay? Everybody goes through 'em.
Dick, can't acknowledge a simple string of bad luck?
The word doesn't exist. If you believe in luck, you're a schmuck.
You used to kill, Maury. What happened?
- Things change, Dick. - Forget it, Maury.
Dick, it's me, all right?
Just tell my kid I loved her. I'm gonna go find a ledge.
Don't be so fucking dramatic.
I'll give you something.
These are the best I have today.
There's a deal in here, God damn it, maybe two.
If you don't write any business with these,
then we gotta say goodbye.
I need closers who close.
Now come on, you guys are pros.
Don't press, for Christ's sake.
I want you to go eat a good breakfast, have an extra Danish,
then go write some business.
Stay cool, boys. It's gonna be a scorcher.
He could be here. Perfect prospect.
A leaf from God. I'm ready for him.
See, when I think of that guy,
something happens. Something kicks in.
I know. I know. You get very excited.
- Oh. - Nice, very nice.
Very good.
- Bye. - Bye.
She's a very fast learner.
I started teaching her about three years ago.
Now she gives me lessons, but not piano.
I'll tell you something. With our program,
you'll be able to save a sizable portion of your music teacher salary.
It's the right thing to do, Leon. Take it.
It's very attractive, I must say. Let me think about it.
- Go ahead. - Think about it.
He wants to think about it.
Leon.
Beethoven... do you think he thought to himself,
"Hey, should I write..."?
No, he wrote it.
And thank God he did. It's the right thing to do, Leon.
Take it.
If I'm not gonna be a great composer, at least I can eat well.
Next year I'm gonna be out to here.
I'll tell you something else,
even if you and that pretty little lady there decide to tie the knot,
we just make a few adjustments.
You too.
We talk about that a lot.
I should marry her, shouldn't I?
When I look at her, I can tell she just wants to be your wife.
Fellas, it's a sweet deal, but I think I should...
run it by Karen.
When she moves in here, my fridge is gonna be her fridge.
So why don't you just leave your card
and we'll discuss it?
Take it.
Hold the pen! You don't talk.
Yeah, the next move is his.
He's only got one move.
- He takes the pen. - He takes the pen, I know.
Why didn't you give me a signal or something?
I don't care. Give me the finger.
- I shushed you. - You can't shush me.
I'm locked in, I'm not gonna hear that. Touch my leg. That's all.
Jesus, Davey, I gotta finish this semester.
Then six months of clinical, I'm a doctor.
L... I know.
My father would have known that,
then... wow.
He'd still be dead, but with a different expression on his face.
He'll know.
I don't think he ever thought of me as a man.
You know, my father? I talk to him,
and I tell him, "Be patient."
It's not over for me.
And if it's not over for me,
then in a strange way it's not over for him.
I'm out there. I'm looking.
Yeah, what are you looking for?
A sign... something... that God sees me.
Oh, shit.
Where's the other lead card?
You have them.
What, Davey? What's going on, Davey?
Stop the car!
Just find the card! Find the card that you lost!
Look at all these hamburger wrappers here!
- I told you not to eat this shit. - Oh, yeah, just me!
- I'm the only one who eats, yeah! - It's all you.
Oh, bullshit! We pull up to a drive-through,
I order, you just stare, right? You eat!
- Yeah, it's not a religion with me! - You fucking eat!
It's not like a carnival ride with me, all right?
Gimme the card. Gimme the last card before you lose this one.
- I'm sorry! - This is it. This is it, Davey.
- This is the last one. - I'm sorry, all right?
This is the last card, Davey. We gotta focus now, all right?
- All right? Take it in. - All right.
Feels good. We're good. Are you good?
I'm good.
You son of a bitch! I'll punch your asshole!
I'm good.
"I'll punch your asshole"?
Got confused. I wanted to say "I'll punch you,"
and "You're an asshole."
Yeah.
We'll figure it out on the way.
God, please don't make me beg.
Just a minute.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Maurice Burns. I'm from Valley Food Service.
And this is Dave Langer. He works for me.
Yes, you're here. Come in.
Thank you.
I'm on the telephone. A friend of mine is having boy problems,
but sit, I'll be right back.
Salesmen.
Holy shit.
Nice twigs. Clean.
God in heaven.
Maury, put your dick in a bag and have the bag buried.
This is a deal, okay? Come on, I smell it, okay?
And as a point of information, it smells very good.
I'm ready. I'm ready.
- Be ready, man. - I'm right here.
- Shut the fuck up. She can hear you. - Let's sell some meat.
- Shut up. Yeah. - I've seen beautiful women before.
- You'd need a pretty big bag. - Shut the fuck up!
So we can cut your steaks a half-inch thick,
three-quarters of an inch or a full inch. Which do you prefer?
I like variety.
I'm gonna start your package with a 10-lb. Box of free filets.
The best. It's just our way of saying that you're special.
- Don't you think? - What sort of freezer do you have?
Well, just the one in the...
Just a little one above the refrigerator?
It's okay. It's okay. We can put a unit in the house.
Oh, really? What's a unit?
Excuse me.
Okay, this is going good.
Yeah, smooth. Just don't rush.
Got nowhere to rush to, okay?
- I'm just saying. - I'm doing fine.
Suzy's freaking.
I mean, she... she can't find the goldfish,
and something is flipping in her stomach.
I am sorry, but I told her that I have a doctor over,
that he's friend, and that's you. Please come with me.
Tell her that it's okay, that it's nothing.
Come on.
Suzy, sweetie, here he is.
Hello, hi, this is, uh...
Dr. Kissinger.
Can I help you? Mm-hmm, yeah.
Well, you know what? L... uh, I see a lot of that,
and it's nothing to worry about.
Uh, the rule we go by in medicine is
if it's a critter of any heft, you gotta go in after it,
but if it's a fish, you just let it float downstream.
Uh, you can if you'd like.
Hey. Everything okay?
Come with me.
Hi, could you please turn that big heavy bottle over, Maurice,
- while I have you? - You got it.
See, my nails make everything impossible.
You like bubbles?
I adore them.
Huh?
That was so easy for you. You're so strong.
You work out?
No, I'm a strong guy. I don't know why.
It's good genes.
Well, my mother was a strong woman.
Mine too.
Hmm.
You know, we should be talking business here.
Yeah yeah, Dave said no flirting,
but I think he meant just me. I mean, you can flirt all you want.
Go ahead. See if you can get my attention.
Come. Show me your meat.
Your partner seems to think it's the best in the nation.
It's true.
Well, when you're all better, you'll go shopping for a new fish.
Okay?
Good, now just put your head down and be calm
and resty rest. Okay. Bye-bye.
So of course to pass along the savings to you,
we deliver to you in quantity.
- You buy a whole side of beef... - Will you bring it to me?
Myself personally?
Could you do me a favor and just check it without the slide?
Yeah, uh-huh. The same model withou...
Could you hold on one second, please?
Hello? Suzanne.
I thought you were supposed to be resting.
Yes, I am right here. I'm still here.
Mm-hmm. Okay, what I want you to do is calm down, okay?
Close your eyes and remember there are so many things
to dream about.
An example would be anything you like.
You like melon.
- You initial there. That's all right. - Okay.
I don't think that's a good idea, Su... you gotta calm do...
calm down, Su... Suzanne!
- You didn't sign it. Did you sign it? - Ay.
Hello, you gotta talk to her. I think she's trying to kill herself.
Again?
I'm sorry, but I'm really not a doctor.
Uh, you just gotta talk to her.
Was about to sign the fucking check.
What am I supposed to do? I'm not a doctor!
Oh, ju... oh shit!
Suzanna, no no no, I'll be there. Don't lock the door!
Suzy, no!
Suzy cut her wrist. She says it's not for attention,
but I know it is.
I mean, I have to go. I have to go and help her.
- I mean, we can meet later, right? - We can't meet later.
We should take you. Uh, we'll drive.
Okay, all right, let's go. Let's go. We'll finish with this later.
- No no no. I shouldn't. - He used to race.
Okay okay, let's go.
Close her in the car.
We could finish up the paperwork now if you wanted to.
Yeah.
Ay, Suzy... she's like a friend that I've had since I moved here.
You know, we've got in trouble so many times together.
She taught me all the bad words in English.
Like, you know, like "fuck me" and "piece of shit"
and "motherfucker" and "asshole"
and "cocksucker" and "blow me."
- That's pretty good. - Yeah.
- It's good.
Suzy, Suzy!
Hey, you guys. False alarm.
Totally false alarm. I'm doing much better. Oh, you brought company.
Come in. I'm so embarrassed. I've been yelling.
Did you guys hear me yelling?
I can fly off the handle, I admit.
Oh, wait wait. Look, you guys.
Look look, watch.
Check it out, watch. Ta-da!
I didn't even take one class of nursing.
I could totally be a nurse.
Ay, amiga, let me see. What did you do?
Loridonna, I didn't even bleed.
It's like... nothing.
Are you guys here to kill me?
Ay no, Suzy, no.
That's the good doctor.
Oh my God.
Kissinger. You... you...
That's me.
You...
You look weird.
Okay.
- Do you think I did the right thing? - Ay, Suzy, please.
I don't know.
I think, uh, you drank a lot. Don't you?
- No, I just... - Yes.
I had like just a little drink,
and I can't believe you came.
You are such a good friend and you brought... yay... people.
- We're in the middle of this thing. - Let's just get the fuck
- out of here. - No no no.
She'll calm her down and then we'll sign her.
I can't! I can't!
Just go. Go in there and occupy her and send Loridonna to me.
- No way, no. - What? Tell me why.
Maury, because this is business.
Well, I know this is business.
The doctor... she wants the doctor.
She wants the doctor.
Just... Dave, we're good.
I'll be in the kitchen.
I think your friend has everything under control.
Oh.
Yeah.
Dave's very good under pressure.
Look what I found.
Ah.
You know what? Maybe we should finish up here.
Maybe we should have a drink.
We should probably finish up with the little paperwork we have.
Are you a business- before-pleasure kind of guy?
Well, there are a whole group of people who think that that's the way to go.
- Uh, it's like you're worried? - It's like I feel like there's like...
like peaks and valleys.
There's always... but that's everybody, you know?
That's-that's... and that's life, and I think that's God's plan.
- Peaks and valleys. - Peaks and valleys.
Which is... which is the bad part?
- Is it the peak or the valley? - I would go with the valley
only because it's lower than the peak and you just...
you know, in a... in a whole state you feel that way.
Yeah, like you're just like, out there alone.
- Right. - You know what I mean?
You're so in control.
I like that.
Turns me on.
You're such...
a man.
Well, that's all an act.
Make-believe a lot.
I used to make-believe all the time.
Are you making-believe now?
Just... you know,
no girl is tough.
We cheat.
That's why you always win.
We should wrap up the food business.
Yeah.
Yeah, we should do that.
We should...
just speed through the paperwork.
Don't you think?
We will, we will.
- You're so right. - See?
You're totally right.
- It's like "Be more solid." - Yes yes.
Be more solid.
You have to want to help yourself.
And I do! I wanna help myself.
Well, you can 'cause there's a good you right inside.
- You just gotta get the old you out. - How do I do that?
How do I get the old me out of me?
You've gotta... you've gotta be a bully with it. You g... you can be a bully here
- and just kick it outta your body! - I could like slam it!
- Kick it outta you! - Kick it!
- L... yeah. Yeah. - Right out!
It's not- it's not litera- it's not... ah!
It's not literal, okay?
- It's kinda... - Hit it which way?
- No, it's just inside. - But which me am I?
You're the good you. You're the strong you, okay?
Yeah. Oh...
Um, here...
- Here we go. This here... - Okay.
...this is the old you.
- Fuck you! - Hey... all right.
Fuck off.
- You fucker! - Oh.
- Right. To be... - You tried so hard to bury me.
- To bury... to bury you. - I'm stronger than you.
- Much stronger than her. - Stronger than you'll ever be.
- I'm just gonna check on Maury, okay? - And you're so full of...
- Right, you are. - Wait!
I'm... I'm not... it's okay. I'm not going anyw... I'm not going anywhere.
I can't do this without you.
It's okay, I'm here. I'm right here.
Tony, you're home.
I'll be right back.
Oh my God.
- What?! - Uh, you know, I j... uh, I'll move.
He knows we weren't doing anything, right?
I mean, he... he... can you please fucking put that on?
What are the chances of you and me just taking a shot?
Maybe none.
None. None? Why so low?
I don't want to tell you yet.
Hey, look. Look look look.
If you got something going on, then I'll just get out of here.
No no no. That's not it.
But don't worry about it right now.
Oh, that's okay. Hey, don't stop.
Don't stop. I can't see, I'm not gonna look.
I'm fucking blind.
Okay, that's a great tune.
Well, I'll tell you. I gotta... I gotta... I gotta look now, who is here?
Hola, Tony.
Loridonna, Loridonna, Loridonna, Loridonna, Loridonna.
What an absolute honor. Don't get up.
Whatever you do, please, stay as you were.
What's going on?
- He's bleeding. Are you gonna... - It's typical.
He's got two, three guns in his pocket.
It's okay.
He's been... that guy's been shot or something.
It's typical.
Hey, friend, you wanna give me a hand?
Who? Who, me?
- Yeah, you. - Me?
Yeah, you.
- Yeah. - Come on in.
Hey, what's up?
Whoa, that's...
Take that, take that, take this, this.
- Yeah. - Put it on.
- Might wanna have this looked at, yeah. - I'm looking at it.
What happened to you, get attacked?
Nah, it's a scratch. It's the other guy who did the dying.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
No, you don't.
It's a nice place you got here. It's very cool.
Yeah, it's a fun pad.
She's a fucking knockout, that Loridonna.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
It's hard to believe she's a guy.
- What do you mean? - I mean she was a guy.
You can't tell though, am I right?
Pfft. No way.
That's what I hear.
No fucking way.
Loridonna.
Did you used to be a guy?
Huh? Go on, tell him.
A long time ago.
The magic of life.
You two work it out.
Wow.
Okay, no matter what he says, just stay calm.
- We didn't do anything. We didn't... - He's full of shit.
We didn't do anything so we're fine, we're safe.
He's coming.
- Hey, Suze. - Hey, Tony.
Hiya, hiya.
- Hi. - Hi.
How you doing?
Oh, God! No!
- Yeah, I got you fucking my girl. - Oh my God!
- Swear to God, no! I swear to God, no! - You fucking my girl?
- No, I swear, I did nothing! - Flirting or fucking, what was it?
- Which one? - Tony, don't!
- I swear to God, I didn't! - Oh, God.
Was he fucking you? That what you were...
- No. - Don't. No, please.
It's okay, I'm... I'm just kidding around.
- I'm just kidding around. - That was funny.
Who's this guy?
It's Loridonna, okay? Loridonna's friend.
She brought him over here.
- Sure. A friend? - Yeah.
- Sit like a friend.
- Go on, sit. What was he doing to you? - Nothing.
What are you doing with my girl in my house here?
Nothing. We're just talking.
- Palm reading? - No.
She spends every fucking dollar I give her right here on the palm.
Oh, that's great.
Is that your buddy back in there? In my compound? Playing with Loridonna?
Yes, Maurice, my associate,
and l... we know her through... I know her through Maurice. He's a good guy though.
Oh yeah, he was fine with me.
Who's Boris?
- Who? I-I don't know. - Nuh-uh.
I'm asking the questions.
Boris paying you?
I don't know a Boris. If you think I do,
I've given you the wrong impression.
Okay.
So what do you do?
What's your line of work? What do you do?
Ahem, well, I'm a... I'm a counselor.
- Oh. - Uh-huh.
But my real passion is beef, prime beef.
What? Are you kidding? You have two jobs?
That's like better than having one job. That's so great.
Hey. Bark bark.
- Tony, not in public. - Bark bark.
- Come on. God! - Bark.
- You're a cattle man? - Yeah. Dave Langer, hi.
- Oh, hey, Dave, how you doing? - Nice to see you.
How many head you got? Or is it all corporations now?
Fucking corpy bastards.
Yeah, more and more it is, but we're more involved with the gourmet end
for folks who like the finer cuts of beef.
Uh, the... the real good dry-aged stuff.
But if you age your veal, Dave, is it still a veal?
'Cause it's like gotta grow up sometime,
and then what does it become?
It's kind of like child actors,
you know how they never grow up, they're always...
You shut up.
- What? - Just shut up.
So, is your stuff the really good stuff?
'Cause the Japanese stuff is really excellent.
You know what they do to keep their beef extra soft?
'Cause I read that they... they pound on 'em with their fists.
He's gotta pound the cow. They... they pound it. They pound the cow.
Right, that's Kobe beef.
So you're a steak man, medium rare.
- Rare. You? - Rare, yeah yeah.
- Me too, same. - Yeah.
You know, that's how I knew, 'cause I can... I am the same.
- Well, are you hungry? - I am hungry.
- You want a drink? - I would love...
Shut the fuck up, of course you do.
- You want a drink, honey? - A drink.
You want a drink? You want the whole bottle?
Just a drink, please.
Come on, Dave, escape the asylum. Try not to knock anything over.
Dave, I'll see you later.
Shouldn't do it, shouldn't do it, but I'm gonna do it.
I hate to cheat, Dave, see these puppies?
They should marinate for about another... another day.
It's best just before it rots. Hold on to that, will you?
See that? Marbling.
You know what that does?
That's very very desirable. That's a meatman's best friend right there.
Yeah, this is a lot like our beef.
- Uh... I'd like to tell you something. - Out to the 'que, Dave.
You know what, I'd like to see a little bit more marbling in them myself
- Now we can vary the thickness for you. - Yeah?
Yeah, we can cut an inch, inch and a half,
restaurant cut, whichever you prefer.
Now, Mr. Goldbluth, he'd love that.
He knows his stuff.
Is he a connoisseur?
Oh, he loves to eat.
He's got food flown in from all over the world, that guy.
- He got "cav-i-are" from Russia. - Sure.
He got these little fucking figs from like Iran.
He's got these special cakes from Paris.
- You know, France? - Oh yeah, right, that's great.
You know, I think a lot of the taste depends on how good you can cook.
You know, the good thing is we can help you with that too.
We can provide recipes and we'll take you along step by step, if you, uh...
I'm gonna let that slide, what you just said.
Just don't forget about it.
I give the barbecue cooking lessons around here.
Oh!
You supply the meat, I'll do the cooking.
I like that you liked me.
I miss what we had.
What we had? What did we have?
Maurice?
Can I kiss you again?
No.
Tell me.
Um...
What?
What's there?
- You want to see? - No no no no no.
No no, just tell me, tell me, but wait a minute.
Wait a minute, don't say anything weird.
But there's nothing weird.
They just made one thing into another thing.
They just made my outie into an innie.
Like a belly button.
- Better. - Okay.
Okay, I could see how that could be.
Yeah.
And...
you're happy with that?
Ecstatic.
So it's okay.
What?
About the kiss.
Whoa. Check out that color there. What color is that?
That's light red. It's-it's labeled as pink, but don't... don't be afraid of it.
I don't see pink anywhere. That's a light red?
- Yeah, that's exactly what it is. - That's... that's a very nice color.
- Isn't it pretty? - They call it light red?
No, they call it pink, but it's, uh...
it... it looks light red when you see it.
- Well, let's drink to light red. - Absolutely.
Listen.
You ever have a call for firearms?
You ever need anything like that? Automatic weapons, Uzis, AK-47s, M-16s,
all the way up to rocket launchers, baby bombers, down the other side.
We deliver anywhere in the world. No limit. High multiples.
What's your... position?
Sales.
- No kidding? - No kidding.
I think I'm, uh, set, right now.
Maury, we need guns?
Not offhand, no. No, not really.
I'm gonna show you something.
- Not offhand? - Yeah.
- Each to his own. Loridonna. Loridonna. - Right right.
- Loridonna, Loridonna, Loridonna. - Yeah, thank you for that.
- Loridonna. - Thank you.
He's a killer, and she's a guy.
It's okay.
I'm through. I quit.
Will you stop it? Let's just close this.
Let me show you guys a little smoking technique.
- Let her ride. - A little smoking special technique.
Goldbluth showed it to me. Slam it down, slam it up.
That's great.
- That's a good move. - That's super.
- Close what? - Two boxes, now go get the book.
That is one gourmet technique right there.
Are you... I don't like this fucking guy. Nothing is right here.
Let me tell you something: He's solid. Now get the book.
Pull yourself together.
That's sweet.
You're giving me the lessons now, look at this.
Just gonna need some information.
- From me to you... - Do you know that one time
he made me sit and watch this educational film on taxidermy,
and then he asked me... he's like, "How much do you think it costs
to clean and stuff a 115-lb. Ape?"
And I'm like, "What?! That's how much I weigh."
- Oh my God, no. - Should I get that?
Si?
- Hey. - Hello.
Shh shh shh shh shh shh shh shh.
- No noise. - Don't you fucking speak.
Here we go, all right.
We are all filled out.
Okay, everything looks great.
We're just gonna need you, if you would...
just, okay, right here.
Yeah.
- Oops. - Shit.
- Oh, that's okay. - Right here?
Yeah, that's fine, just press down harder right there.
- Harder than that? - It should write.
- It's not working, I'm sorry. - That's okay.
I'm sorry. I'm just gonna get a paper towel.
Oh! God!
Jesus! Son of a bitch!
How you doing, Tony? You are a pain in the ass.
Fucking God!
Okay okay. Go to Goldbluth.
Just go to him, okay? All those fucking busted parts,
those 1500 AK-47s, he knows all about it.
- Oh no, we're gonna see him. - Blame him. It wasn't me.
- He's next. Don't worry about that. - Go to him, go to him, okay?
Just go to him, 'cause he knows all this shit, man.
I think it's better to kill you, you know? Oh...
Ow! God! God damn it!
- You mentioned that! - What a fucking day! Ow ow ow!
Come on, you gotta go to him. Go to him.
- He knows all about it. - Oh, he's next. Don't worry about it.
No, it's gonna happen while you're still warm. Don't you worry about it.
But first, this is from Boris.
Potty mouth.
Oh, God! No!
- Just relax. Relax! - Hey! Hey hey hey!
Just relax. Sit down. Just stop screaming.
Hey! Stop it! Be quiet! Just sit the fuck down!
- Sit down! - What happened in here?
- What did you do? - Relax. You know what this is.
- This is this. - You didn't do it, did you?
Everything is taken care of. It's done.
- Oh my God! - Relax. Just relax.
- You're a murderer. - We're professionals, lady.
- Everything is taken care of. - A professional?
- What, are you kidding? - Excuse me?
You were supposed to show up at 12:00 outside,
- not in my house, you asshole. - Be nice,
- don't get nuts in here. - It wasn't supposed to go like this!
- Suzy, what did you do? - He's dead?
Quiet, okay? Don't act like you don't know what this is.
- I can't believe he's dead. - Right,
- you can't believe it? Take it easy. - What did you do?
Don't be so fucking dramatic, all right, lady?
- No no, porfavor. - Lady, be quiet!
Be quiet!
Callate! Callate!
- Be quiet! Callate! Callate! - No, porfavor!
Don't move, don't move. Don't move. Drop it.
- What the fuck! - Put the gun down.
- Drop the gun! - Who the fuck is this?
I'm serious. Tell him to put the fucking gun down.
Put it down! Put it down!
- Put it down! - Who the fuck are you?!
- Put the gun down! - Fuck you!
Don't you tell me what to do. Who are you?
Don't move, don't move. Tell him to put the gun down.
- Just relax. - No. He has to put it down.
- Tell him to put the fucking gun down. - You put it down.
- Just relax. - Please! I don't wanna do this.
- You gotta put the gun down! - Put the fucking gun down!
- You understand me?! - No. Drop it Drop the gun.
- Just take it fucking easy. - I'm counting to two.
No no no, don't count. Don't start counting.
One...
You too.
- Hand me the gun nice and slow. - Okay.
Who's this? Who are you?
You guys are gonna die, you know that, right?
So enjoy your moment.
You shut the fuck up!
Jesus Christ.
What did you say,
you fat motherfucker?!
Okay, all right. All right, Dave!
Let's call the cops. Call the cops!
Good good. Go ahead, call the cops.
Okay, you'll become witnesses against us.
You can spend the rest of your life living in a hovel.
That's good, go ahead. Go ahead, Charo. 9-1-1.
Something smells good.
- Do you smell that? - It's good. What is that?
I don't know, man, but I'm hungry as all hell.
- It's like beef or something. - Phone down.
Go sit down.
- Maury, come here. Come here! - What?
- Get the fuck over here. Come here. - What?
I'm right here, I'm right over here.
I see a hole.
- Are you insane? - You saw it.
- I saw you see it. - I don't wanna die.
You got something else? 'Cause I've got nothing.
Come on.
You guys like meat?
What? You mean to eat?
Talking about the best money can buy.
This is the gourmet stuff.
Here's how I wanna do things.
I think you guys are good guys,
regular guys.
- With a job to do. - With a job to do.
Not only do we not have anything against you...
frankly, I gotta tell you, we admire
- your... - Professionalism.
So... so they knocked off Tony, so what?
Tony... he was a prick. I knew him for 20 minutes,
and he was annoying me.
He's very disrespectful. If I had any bullets,
I would've shot the fuck out of him myself.
The only thing we owe to you for that is gratitude.
Big time. Thank you both.
You're welcome.
Appreciate it.
All right. Well, how are we gonna do this, then?
I don't know.
- I was thinking that we could... - No no, please.
- Shut your cakehole, please. - Christ.
Just keep quiet.
Do you guys...
have any reason to kill us?
We got any reason? No, I don't... no.
We got no reason to kill you.
- That's nice. - Mm-hmm.
I mean, looks like we have something in common, right?
Right.
I'm Maurice.
My name is Bobby.
Bobby? Good.
- Bobby, this is Dave. - How you doing, man?
- Nice to see you. - And Dave...
- I didn't... - Oh, uh, Irv. Irving.
- Irving. - Yes.
It's unbelievable.
His father's name's Irving.
- No shit. - He passed away recently
and I miss hearing his name. Thank you for keeping it alive.
- Oh, sure. - And, you know, my, my wife,
my ex-wife... she lives on Irving Blvd.
- She got the house. It's a small world. - It really is...
- how it all... it all ties in. - We're all...
we're all in it.
I got a great respect for you, Bobby.
I would like...
very much just to give you your gun back.
Well, Maurice, I would very much like that...
too.
Would you pledge to me,
man to man, that we can just sit down
and eat together as friends?
We'll show you how you can eat like kings...
and then we'll all go our separate ways.
Yeah, I think we could do that.
- Yeah, I don't see... - Is that a promise?
- Absolutely. - Yeah.
A pledge of honor?
Honor is very important.
Sinatra said that it's everything.
It's everything a man's worth, honor.
I think the honor system, when instilled correctly,
is... is a good system.
So...
so let's do it that way, strictly with honor.
Thank you for doing this.
- You're a good pro. - Appreciate it.
Sorry about the "fat" thing.
Just going through a lot of shit right now.
Yeah, it's... it's okay.
Well, you wanna eat?
Can we eat?
Coming right up.
Wait wait wait. Hold on, hold on, just for one second.
Just please be quiet for one second. Hey.
- Is it done? - Yep.
- How's Suzy? Okay? - She's fine.
- Put her on. - Wants to know if you're okay.
Hi, honey, I'm great.
Yeah, I told you it was gonna be easy, didn't I?
Look, I just want you to do what the guys tell you to do.
'Cause if you don't stay healthy, they don't get paid.
- Now, I'll see you later, huh? - Okay.
Why don't you tell him how you fucked up everything?
Tell him about Maury and the doctor.
- Oh, shut up. - Shut the fuck up.
- Hello? - Are you bullshitting me?
- No, it's... it's... it's fine. - Who's Maury and the doctor?
It's just two guys that came out the woodwork. Everything is under control.
- Yeah, well, get rid of them. - Well, I, I can't do that now, Boris.
- Why not? - L... I made a promise.
I don't give a shit about your promises.
I don't want any loose ends here. Do you understand that?
Okay, everything is under control.
- You're not done. I need you here. - Okay.
Goldbluth's having the party for his kid.
He's open, he's exposed...
it's getting late. I want you to clean yourself up
- and get over here. - Well, what do you mean "clean"?
Put on a tie. It's a party.
Okay, this is my... Boris, he said that we... uh, we gotta take them out.
- No! Stop! - We gotta take them out!
- Oh my God! - Come on, no! Come on, man!
- We had a thing set up. - We went through this!
- Be quiet! Shut up. - Please.
- We got a promise together. - Quiet! No no, we're not doing it now.
We're gonna get paid. We're gonna work out a deal. Shut up.
- Hey, we have a thing. - No, we don't have a thing, okay?
Every time I break a deal, my life gets better,
so sit the fuck down and shut up,
big mouth.
We're just gonna walk away. You'll never see us again.
- Right, no. - If you let us go right now.
- Okay, that works for me. - We're not gonna say anything, man.
Okay. Right. And your mother's name is what?
- That sucks. - Suzanne, go to Loridonna's house.
- Yeah, I am. - Because you and Tony had a fight.
- Oh, like an alibi. - That's right.
One: You and Tony had a fight.
Two: You were at Lori's house all day.
And three: You have no idea where Tony is. It's one, two, three.
Oh, Jesus.
Suzy, where's Tony?
I don't know.
What are you gonna do with these guys?
Don't worry about them. They're not going anywhere.
- Do you think they're gone? - I don't hear anything.
All right. All right, let's try. Move over.
Tuck! Tuck in! Tuck in!
- That's all I got. - Tuck in! Tuck in!
- All right... - Kick that son of a bitch.
- Kick out. - It's out!
- Go, just go.
All right. Push me. Push.
All right, I'm out.
Come on, gimme your hands. I'll pull you out.
Ready, one, two...
Oh, boy, this ain't happening, man.
- Go back in. I'll come around. - All right. Oh, fuck me.
I'm... I'm stuck in both directions.
All right, hold on. I'll go around.
Just relax, relax.
- Get me out of here. - I know. I know, shut up.
- Maury, I don't like this. - I know, I know.
What are you doing?
All right.
- Think I threw up a little. - I'm coming around.
Maury, you can't leave me in here. Maury!
Aw, shit! I gotta find something!
- Maury! - I'll be right back!
- Get me out of here first! - I'll be right back.
Maury, don't leave me alone.
I feel alone, Maury! Am I?!
Get me out of here!
Ready! Pick them up!
Mr. Goldbluth... well, you've given us
a beautiful celebration with a bounty of food
that is, as always, an exquisite experience.
And I say, on the occasion of Jerry becoming a man...
thank you, Cookie Goldbluth.
Thank you for your generosity
and your hospitality and your good taste.
You said that exactly the way I told you to.
Well,
now let us give thanks to God
who brought us all together today
as a boy becomes a man in His eyes,
and a son becomes a man in the eyes of his father.
It's been said that a boy becomes a man
when a man is needed.
But when is he needed?
During our service this morning,
Jerry read about a people who,
fleeing a mighty army,
were faced with the prospect of climbing
an impossible mountain,
and God spoke, and He said,
"Make an alliance with Me,
to climb this mountain halfway."
When those who survived made it as far as they could,
the hand of God
reached down from the heavens
and lifted them to the top.
I saw him, Dave. He was very beautiful.
- Yeah? Who would that be? - Goldbluth.
Perfect prospect, our guy.
Fuck out of here, man.
Okay, we had enough fun for one day, don't you think?
- People in there wanna kill us. - And him.
They're putting a hit on Goldbluth. Come on, let's go.
Mai... Maury, stop, okay? There's psychotic motherfuckers in there
trying to end our lives. Okay? Be happy you're not dead.
Something brought us to this moment, to Goldbluth.
It's so clear, Davey. Today was no accident.
Everything led us here.
This idea we had of-of the perfect prospect,
we made it up. It's a fantasy.
Yeah, but I now know what we were talking about.
It's like we were saying, "If somebody is up there,
then He should create a guy like this for us." And He did.
Everybody is always saying they think they saw God...
"It's like I saw God." But there's a big difference from that...
and when you really see Him.
What did you see?
I told you.
Let's go.
Wow, he is beautiful.
Look.
Leon?!
What the hell is he doing here?
Brought, like us.
Shit. Come on! Let's go around.
- Bobby, what year is the Caddy? - I don't know from cars.
- What is it, Irv? - It's a '89.
- '89? Hope it's a big boy. - Yeah.
- '89... - Broads love those cars.
- Oh, it's a nice car. - Oh!
Excuse me. You know, I don't work for free, Boris.
I mean, this isn't my hobby, you know what I mean?
If you want people walking around saying, "Boris this, Boris that,"
that's fine. Otherwise, you know, you gotta make an offer.
- For money. - Hey hey hey hey hey.
Look, we'll take both these cocksuckers out for...
10 each.
Would you just relax, let me work out the details?
- All right. - We're gonna do two for one.
Yeah yeah. I'll decide what they're worth.
All right, all right, all right.
- What did you do? - I didn't do anything!
- You're supposed to be the taper. - Hey, this got messy.
- L... you saw me tape them up. - I told you guys...
Hey! ...no messy! Now find these assholes.
Then you come back for Goldbluth.
I'm at the bar.
How come every time something's fucking up,
it's my fault?!
All right, we gotta talk fast. You gotta close hard.
I'm fast. I'm hard.
Hey, how you doing?
Leon!
Hey.
You guys.
Hey, look. Who is that? Do you remember?
That's your lovely lady-friend Karen.
Used to be.
Now she is my lovely fiancee Karen.
- Hey, good for you. - Congratulations.
No, next dance, honey, next one.
So are you a friend of the Goldbluths?
Uh, I'm Jerry's piano teacher. You?
Uh, we have a dear friend in common who wants us, actually,
to expose Mr. Goldbluth to our high end.
Yeah, Goldbluth, there's a man you should talk to about fine foods.
Come on, I'll introduce you.
These guys, for a living they're meat salesman?
Yeah.
They knock on people's door and say,
"Do you wanna buy a fucking cheeseburger?"
That's a living? That's a life?
- Mr. Goldbluth. - Yes, sir?
I-I want you to meet some people here... gentlemen.
- Uh, this is Dave and... - Maury.
- Morty. Dave and Morty. - Hi.
- This is Mr. Goldbluth. - Hi, how are you?
- Beautiful party here. - Very good.
Tony said you have a great appreciation for good taste.
- He said we should connect. - Yeah, where is Tony?
Yeah, I'm sure he'll be here. He speaks very highly of you, sir.
He said you taught him everything he knows about barbecue.
Yeah, well... what the hell does he know? See you.
No, really, he says you're a real magician, you know.
We supply gourmet clients with the finest beef in the world.
We just... we think you should have the best.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
- Mr. Goldbluth, sir? - Yeah.
Oh! I already got the best. See, I get it from Omaha.
So you guys have a good time anyway, okay?
Hey, champ!
Ladies and gentlemen.
Gentlemen.
You guys are almost the same age.
Cindy, meet my son Jerry.
Hi, Jerry. Nice to meet you.
What the hell's going on here?
Can you excuse us real quick? Dad, come here.
Do you think I'm ready?
Are you kidding? You're gonna love it.
- Jesus. - Listen, when I was your age,
I would have given my right arm for this... a setup like this.
My first time I was 10. I mean you're like old already.
- Go on, she won't bite. - All right, look,
you stick with him, I'm gonna check the front.
They're gonna kill him when they get back.
- We gotta sell him now. Bring him in. - Uh... ah.
Harold, what is go... what is going on?
- Where's Jerry? - In the car.
- In the ca... - Faye, Faye, Faye, Faye, come on.
What's the matter with you? The girl does parties.
You know... graduations, birthday parties.
Harry!
Wish I had a camera.
This could be like a "happiness" poster.
You know, the ones they sell in the fine gift shops.
Thanks. You hear that? It's obvious.
I'm getting rid of that girl.
Let him just have a hand job. Just... one time.
- One time. - There, see?
Have another drink.
Who is that?
You really keep her off balance, keeps the flame alive, huh, Mr. Goldbluth?
Cookie, call me Cookie.
Let me ask you something. When you do your grilling,
you like your steak cut an inch or an inch and a half thick?
What, are you putting me on? Two inches.
These guys are gone, they're long gone.
You know what? I'm done.
I wanna go get Goldbluth and I wanna call it a night.
You know, I'm talking about the best...
40-day-dry-aged prime Kobe-Angus hybrids, superior animals.
- The best? - On Earth.
On Mars, I don't know, I've never eaten there.
Hey, Maury!
But anything, say within two, three million miles of Sherman Oaks.
- This is five-star stuff. - Huh.
- Get the book. - What's the book?
The one monthly amount includes everything... the filets, the T-bone,
the New York cuts, the London broil and the magnificent rib eye.
All at a fraction of the price you're spending now
flying in who knows what from Omaha.
- Excuse me? - Let me show you something.
I don't wanna get into he-said-she-said,
but this steer had problems late in life.
In all probability.
Are you saying this is bad meat? This is prime beef.
This is choice labeled as prime.
We see this all the time. No attention to quality.
Mr. Goldbluth,
we can take you to the top of the beef world.
The highest altitude in gourmet dining.
Meat so soft, people don't even bother to use their teeth.
The meat just seems to melt as it makes contact with your mouth.
Yeah.
You hear that?
You don't even have to chew it.
I like it.
It was packed full of meat like that.
It looked like a giant gift basket.
Make a... a nice gift for the uncles.
- That's a lovely gesture. - Yeah...
You know what?
I'm strangely attracted to the misty yellow color.
You know, there's nothing strange about that.
- Open the door! - Ow!
- Another door. - Again, you motherfucker.
Fuck you, I ain't doing that again.
Let's go around this way.
Seven freezers, seven uncles.
You know what? I'm just gonna need to get
a little credit information, nothing to worry about.
- Boris. - Oh, nothing uh?
- Well, how screwed are we now? - Just a little bit,
but we've got everything under control. We chased them inside.
Yeah, they're hiding in the kitchen.
Well, that's good. Now just find Goldbluth and get him in there too,
because this is gonna be a goodbye package.
Not a problem. We'll just bang him with the other two.
Two red, two blue and... right now.
Yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna need you to sign right here,
here, here and here.
That's a lotta places.
Take it.
This is the best, right?
See, it's a matter of personal preference.
- Davey! - There's only one best.
That's what always pissed me off about that expression, "the best."
I mean what is best?
Is it best for me or is it what's best for you?
You guys lied.
- You swore on Sinatra. - Hey.
Go! Get him! Go go go go go!
Watch out.
Move! Move! Go!
God damn it!
Tear this fucking door down.
It's preference.
It's selling. It's selling.
And knowing what to buy, who to buy it from.
For all I know, you two guys could be shysters
who are trying to scam the wrong motherfucker.
But you seem okay.
Mr. Goldbluth.
There's people in that party that want to kill you.
There's a reason why Tony isn't here.
Talk fast.
Get outta here.
- We're movin' out. - Come on, Mr. Goldbluth.
Come on, move it, move it.
- Ralph. - Yeah, boss.
- 21 grand. - You got it.
All right, fellas.
For your gifts.
Mr. Goldbluth,
it was your friend Tony's.
I'll be expecting some freezers in the next 10 days.
They're on their way.
Dad!
I want that joint cleaned up like it never happened.
Never happened.
Dad!
Dad, you okay?
I'm always okay. We were just celebrating.
Dick.
You look tired, Dick, how you doing?
Jesus, by now I was expecting a postcard from Ensenada.
- You get anything? - We got anything?
I don't know, let's check.
These count?
You know, why don't you get Dick's opinion?
Three, what do you think of that?
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Before you answer, how about four?
Of course, five is a number that everybody is comfortable with.
Probably the hand, somethin' to do with that.
You wrote five?
No.
Six.
Of course if I told you six, I'd be lying.
- Because he'd be forgetting seven. - Seven.
What the hell is this?
Seven. We wrote some paper... seven.
You want me to spike seven boxes?
No, no, on this one be leisurely, 'cause this is gold.
We got cash. 21 grand.
Minus our commission.
What is this? There you go. Come on, honey, jump on.
Mom, look what Daddy got me.
- That's it, honey. - Come on, come on. Ready?
- Yes, I am. - We're gonna go up high.
Ain't she beautiful?
Maury, don't burn my chicken.
You're burning the chicken, you idiot.
Here's what we do... some of this.